This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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