If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
