i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
