I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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