I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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