Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
