help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You are the jesus of drinking
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
