It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
