I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
