sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
