Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
