Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
