I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
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