chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
