Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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