i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
