fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
