he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
