remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
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