So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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