The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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