life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
