How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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