Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize