Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
