Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
