If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
