So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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