Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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