I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
