She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
