you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
