Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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