I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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