i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
