I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
