No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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