just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
