I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
