Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
