i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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