pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
you inspire me to be a worse person
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
