I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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