I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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