Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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