It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
