We're like a lot better than the average bears
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize