Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
