that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
