Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
