You smell like stripper and shame
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
