Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
