and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
